Some of these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me:
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
My dog sheds a lot so I covered his coat with adhesive spray.
I have a coat that is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Yesterday I saw that a new store opened up with a going out of business sale.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Today I opened a door and the doorknob fell off, a button fell off my shirt,
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I've noticed that dogs are forever in the push up position.
A belt holds my pants up, but the pant loops hold my belt up.
Why are bird feeders called feeders and not seeders?
Will fake plants die If you don't pretend to water them.
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work.
Once I saw a forklift lift a crate of forks.
An escalator can never breakdown, it can only become stairs.
I recently took up ice sculpting, today I made ice cubes.
It's so cold outside the winds are broken.
I wanted to buy a candle holder,the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
If my name was Brian maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain.
I understand Morse Code, tap dancers drive me crazy.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
When someone hands me a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Some idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at?
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